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Keep buying the tablets


Christmas shopping

Would you like a gift receipt with that madam? Can I help you sir? Are you looking for anything in particular? Have you finished your Christmas shopping yet? Oh well, there’s still time. Hey Santa, I’ve been a good girl. Where’s my present? Go on treat yourself. You deserve it. They deserve it. We all deserve it. What is it? Would you like us to wrap it for you sir?

Give them a Christmas to remember. Go on. Put on the perfect Christmas with our huge selection of gift ideas. Get the party started with some chocolates from Tesco. Twelve quid. Or maybe a bottle of bubbly. Go on put a bit of sparkle back in your life.

It’s here….the biggest ever DFS winter sale. Order today for Christmas delivery. What says Christmas more than some brand new furniture? Get in before the crowds and get some great savings. Great. Does your phone measure up? Well, does it? If not, how about a Samsung Galaxy Note 3? With an impressive five point seven inch full high definition screen and multi window to make multi tasking easy. Bigger is better.

How about a wifi quad core android tablet from only one hundred and forty quid? Or what about one of these uber-stylish coffee machines? We’ll even chuck in a Nespresso gift card worth up to seventy notes. What could be more festive than sipping a latte from the baby killers.

Fancy a rich, barrel aged rioja for Christmas? A dozen bottles for sixty six quid. Or give yourself a laugh on Christmas morning and buy one of these “humour books” at WH Smith and get another for free. Includes “1001 ridiculous ways to die” and “the most amazing YouTube videos ever”. Great deals on indoor projects. B&Q. You can do it. Up to half price on all sat navs at Argos. Plus a free ten quid Argos voucher valid until Saturday. And they’ve got half price on kitchen electrical appliances. George Foreman grill anyone? Kenwood food mixer for forty quid?

Rocking around the Christmas tree. Great deals on Panasonic cameras with sixteen megapixels and built in wifi. Seventy quid. Buy a TV pass and get seven Sky Sports Day Passes and three Sky Movies Month Passes for free. Amazon wish you a very merry Christmas. Add a dash of drama to your DVD collection this Christmas. Writing thank you letters will never be the same with a “sleek and seamless” ultrathin keyboard folio for iPad air. No, me neither. Or how about a seven inch tablet PC with “razor sharp multi-touch display” from Aldi. Only three hundred and ninety nine quid. Keep buying the tablets.

Christmas shopping 2

Get the ho ho whole lot here. Share the hope. Every two pence from purchasing this sandwich will be donated to a charity to help the homeless. Or should that be the “ho ho homeless”. Eat and be merry. Please drink responsibly. This bag of walnuts may contain traces of nuts. Cheer up you grumpy bastard, it’s Christmas. Are you coming to the Christmas party? Why not? A little more wine for the lady? Oh, go on then, it’s Christmas innit.

Get your bumper festive telly guide here. One thousand channels of festive dross. A lowly cattle shed. How about a stocking filler? Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. The booze bus will be out in town again this weekend. Ooh look, the Nutcracker’s on. I know this tune. Everyone’s a fruit and nut case. Oh, go on then, it’s Christmas innit. Don’t mind if I do. Have you got owt for little Johnny?

Santa Claus is coming to town. Hark the herald angels sing. Bernard Matthews’ turkey roll. Yum yum. Bootiful. No room at the inn. The perfect Christmas. Go on treat em to summat. They deserve it. You’re worth it.

Don’t fancy the hell of the high street? Get it all online instead. It’s a doddle. And it’s so much cheaper. Please enter your password. Please try again. Please hold while we get one of our customer service advisers to help you. Jingle bells. Please enter your credit card number. Sorry, we do not recognise that number. Have you got a promotion code? Have you got a loyalty card? Have you? Sorry, we do not recognise that delivery address. Some of our customers who purchased this Michael Buble CD also purchased this Jeremy Clarkson book. Would you also like to purchase this book by Jeremy Clarkson? Sorry, we do not have any of that size in stock. Please visit your nearest store. Season’s greetings.


Meanwhile, not entirely unrelated to all of this, in a small town in Staffordshire, in a gigantic warehouse as big as nine football pitches sat side by side, there are rows and rows of would-be Christmas presents stacked high. Ant-like workers paid a pittance scurry down aisles to collect the goods for the next order. Each worker wears a large tracking device that monitors their productivity and if they’re not processing enough transactions then they are sent a message to speed up. Many of these workers are on zero hours contracts with few employment rights. Trade unions long since been deemed a thing of the past. This is a distribution centre for the infamous tax avoiding retail monster Amazon.

Merry Christmas. Buy more stuff. Go on. Give them a Christmas to remember.


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